cliaz.net

Cleaning up the random junk that accumulates in ones house, I stumbled across an article I pulled out of The Age in 2002. After reading it again, I realised why I’d kept it in the first place – it’s a remarkably accurate piece of satirical writing about CNN’s coverage of Iraq. It was falling to bits, so I thought I’d type it up to keep, which lead to deciding to write this post. Anyways, enjoy.

JOHN WELDON
“We’re going to take a break here on CNN, but when we return we’ll repeat the same news as we repeated all morning.”

You’re watching CNN. And now we cross live to our man in Iraq for an update on proceedings. Tony?
Thanks, Dan, well we’re watching a 20-second loop of some really fuzzy night-vision that either shows troop carriers heading towards Baghdad, or a convoy of illegal Iraqi My Whippy vans making for the border, probably laden with contraband soft serve. We’ve been playing and replaying this loop for approximately the last seven hours but we still can’t work it out. Dan?

Thanks, Tony, and now let’s talk to our correspondent in Qatar. Tom?

Thanks, Dan, well I’m standing outside, as you can see, and I’m wearing an open-necked, vaguely khaki-coloured shirt, so I’m obviously a little closer to the action than you are, but still further from the front than Tony, who was actually wearing sunglasses, but apart from a long-range still shot of a bridge in Baghdad and some footage showing bombs exploding in a dark anonymous cityscape, I’m no wiser than you as you what’s actually happening. Dan?

Thanks, Tom. With me in the studio now I have a former adviser to a former secretary in command of assistant adjutants concerned with operations in the previous Gulf conflict and alongside him a guy with slightly suspect Middle Eastern name and we’re basically going to repeat what we said just before we crossed to Tony in Iraq.
So if I many, I’ll ask you, Mr Ex-former Adviser, to talk over the hastily-prepared computer graphic of Iraq.

Thanks Dan. Which game is this? Is this Tomb Raider, or Doom? Which one is Pacman? Dan?

Er . . . this is a graphic of Iraq, sir. Remember the graphic that spins around, sir? The one with the tanks that slide in towards Baghdad when the picture tilts you know like those pens with the girls wearing bikinis and then you tilt them and the bikinis slide off? It was very expensive.

Looks like a waste of money to me, Dan.

Thank you, sir. Suspect Middle Eastern-named guy, can you shed any light on things?

I was just wondering what the concentric circles surrounding Baghdad were supposed to represent, Dan.

Er, well, I’m told that someone in the art department added those, because they thought they looked nice, thank you, and now we cross to London and Nigel from the BBC. Nigel?

Thanks, Dan. Like you, I’m wearing a jacket and tie so I’m obviously miles away from any action but -

Excuse me for interrupting, Nigel, but why are we crossing to you?

For an update on British involvement, Dan.

You Guys are involved?

Yes, we’ve been here from the start, along with the Australians.

Wait a minute – the Australians? Who are they?

They’re people from a large island continent in the southern hemisphere, Dan.

Oh, and have they been in this for a while too?

Yes Dan, from the Start.

Well how come I didn’t know, Nigel?

Because neither we nor the Australians are American, Dan.

You’re not? Well thanks, Nigel. We’re going to take a break here on CNN, but when we return we’ll be repeating, almost word for word, the same news awe we repeated all morning and throughout last night, but this time we’ll be talking over the top of some file footage of fighter-bombers taking off from an aircraft carrier, President Bush looking worried, and some footage of Saddam Hussein laughing at an inappropriate time. You’re watching CNN.

Well, after the original site I had set up decided to crash due to some form of corruption, I chose to stop doing things manually and nabbed wordpress (what you’re looking at now). Not a bad piece of software, but of course I won’t be using it for Blogging as many do, I’ll simply be using it as a shell to host links to various other websites I manage/have an interest in.

Check out the Image gallery (courtesy of Coppermine), which Trev is regularly updating with the rather amazing backlog of pics that he has – from high school till now.

-Klaus