Police in California arrested a man for breaking into two farmworkers’ home and stealing money before rubbing one man with spices and hitting the other with a sausage. The man was later found in a field in a T-shirt, boxer shorts and socks. The money was recovered but a dog had eaten the sausage.

I’m outraged. My mugging in California was lackluster in comparison – I received no spices or beating at all, sausage or otherwise. I want my money back!